TRICKY NIKI POOPIE BUTT #3

***If you missed installment #2, click here.

To start from the beginning, click here.

THIRD AGE…”the lover, sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad made to his mistress’ eyebrow”…

Niki was l’homme de la dame in his youth,

His approach to the ladies though often lacked couth,

“Je t’aime,” he’d begin, “ma belle petite amie…”

A debonair start but then he would pee…

Even worse, after wooing with his Frenchman’s refrain,

It seemed part of his pick-up, again and again,

“Excusez-moi s’il vous plait”, and then he would stoop

Right in front of his mistress, he’d take time to poop.

Oui…

The French have a word that eluded cher Nick,

It outlines the right way to pick up a chick,

But Niki was boorish and brusque on the set,

His rules of engagement often lacked etiquette.

“That’s not how you do it!” I tutored and tutored,

And one day I reckoned that Niki be neutered,

But this never stopped him, he kept right on pushin’,

And found his new girl friend, a brown, sofa cushion…

Really…

All through his life, Niki filled us with laughter,

Finding the spotlight  was what he was after,

A pooch Panasonic, ‘ahead of his time’,

A theatrical showman, a canny canine…

Beware…

Bath time for Nick in a word it meant ‘hide!’

For some unknown reason, it injured his pride,

I think, though, he knew why, he had it down pat,

When soaked to the bone Niki looked like a rat…

A big rat at that and compounding his fears

Accidentally, if soap touched his eyes or his ears

Or his nose for that matter, the ultimate curse,

For he’d snort like a workhorse which made everything worse….

And dogs without tails are atypical cases,

Which meant I might find hardened chunks in some places,

Yes, guck that had stuck and was hard to get out,

Poop! Stinky poop! That’s what I’m on about!

“Nick! You’re disgraceful! A cur to you species!

I find it repulsive touching any thing’s feces!

From now on, I promise, if not later than sooner,

I’ll be shipping you off to a qualified groomer!”

And that’s what I did, having felt so emcumbered,

I let Niki know that his bath days were numbered,

So little we knew what the future might hold

In the hands of some stranger, stranger things would unfold…

Like the time that I took him for his once-a-month prim,

Which included a toe clip, shampoo and a trim,

I never did know how the job would turn out,

There were some anxious moments that filled me with doubt…

That is to say…

When grooming one’s pet, one must carefully choose

How much hair the dog should ultimately lose,

In Nick’s case we opted for less poof and curl

Cause we didn’t want Niki to look like a girl…

I remember this one time when the groomer was new

I could sense that she had her own plans what to do,

It was like she primed Nick for a Hollywood set,

In the end our dear starlet, we renamed Nicolette…

The top of ‘her’ head was teased high – way too poofy,

And the length of the ears? Way too long – way to ‘Goofy’.

But the ultimate downer, which all dogs must dread,

The groomer had pinned a red bow on Nick’s head…

We all teased him a bit when we got him back home,

“Ma petite Nicolette, vood you like zees nice bone?”

I could tell that poor Niki wouldn’t take any more

When he lifted his leg and peed on zee floor!

Now…

Laura and Lin always thought Nick was cool,

But they never imagined he might jump in a ‘pool’,

It had snnowed; it was cold; on a clear winter’s night,

They were out in the hot tub, the water, just right…

Nick, full of envy, having just eaten his grub

Figured he was a member of the girls’ hot-tub club,

He greeted my daughters like a petty purloiner

And signaled to Lin that he wanted to join her…

Niki circled the sauna, Lin could sense his intent,

Laura eyed him with caution; she too knew what this meant,

“Buddy,” be careful, “don’t you act of a whim,

This hot tub’s for people so you’re not allowed in”…

Did this ditty deter him? Did the warning he heed?

Would he come to his senses? Would he finally concede?

He weighed out his options and the advice of my daughter,

And backed off, remembering, he didn’t like water…

Besides…

He was freezing, his coat had turned icy,

Staying out for much longer could be dangerous and dicey,

But he needed redemption, saving face his main goal,

Off he went, head held high, and wrote his name in the snow…

No one could deny…

Nick was the type who thought outside the box,

He could sense opportunity; he was sly like a fox,

And his Donald Trump tactics, which, in others inspired,

Kept him focused on winning, never once was he fired…

Hosting at parties became Nick’s specialty,

He welcomed his guests like a good Maitre d’,

And found someone, make that anyone, willing and able,

To slip him a handout from under the table…

His attention to people was greater than great,

He was hoping, of course, food might fall from their plate,

There was seldom a need for a mop or a broom

‘Cause Nick was our very own Hoover vacuum…

Infants with cookies was Niki’s prized prey,

Once locked on his target, they could not get away,

He’d follow his victims wherever they’d waddle,

Then pilfer the goody and drink from their bottle…

How clear I remember my grandson’s distortion

Of making us think that he ate every portion

Of meals, when in fact, he had help from below,

From Nick who’d eat anything Jaden would throw…

Like broccoli and spinach or anything green,

All of the vegies that kids find obscene,

When no one was looking, overboard things he’d toss,

They were in it together, each for profit or loss…

And I swear…

There were times when the two struck a deal,

That Jaden, the innocent, gave Nick his whole meal,

Where opportunity lay, both my buddies were near it,

Champions of entrepreneurial spirit!

That’s not to say…

If caught in their game the reprisals were quick,

No dessert for dear Jaden; in the cage for my Nick,

Yet despite all the warnings, through the yelps or the tears

This unsavoury habit carried on through the years…

Once, after a birthday and everyone’s wishes,

We tidied the front room and cleaned up the dishes

And had gone to the front door, our goodbyes there to make

But Nick stayed behind; he was eating the cake!

Plus…

It happened again at a Thanksgiving meal,

Niki jumped on the table and managed to to steal

A sizeable chunk of the turkey we’d left,

Though it made me quite angry, it was one clever theft…

I should have known better while having dessert,

That Niki was AWOL should have been my alert,

When I heard the commotion, I jumped from my seat

And found Nick in the kitchen with a mouthful of meat…

I caught him red-handed but he seemed unconcerned,

It was turkey with gravy that this doggie yearned,

“What are you doing? Get down from that table!”

I screamed, but it seemed that Nick was unable…

A classic encounter ensued in that room,

Beast versus Man (who was holding a broom),

We fought for that turkey and there ain’t no denyin’

It was very much like taking food from a lion…

“Gimme that!” I commanded. “Grrrr!” Niki growled,

“Let go of that turkey, you jerkie!” I howled,

He gulped as he growled then he started to choke

And we both realized this was hardly a joke…

Anger and fear are a strange combination,

Dislodging the turkey, our only salvation,

I pried open his clenched mouth and reached deep down his throat

And pulled out a leg bone the size of a boat!

“Let’s go little pilgrim! You’re under arrest!

So sorry to break up your Thanksgiving quest;

You’re confined to your cage for again stealing food;

Your actions have put me in one foul mood!”

What would you have done?…

The ‘age of innocence’ gave Niki immunity,

Repeating offences were acts of impunity

Which wrought repercussions in attempts to defeat him,

Not getting it right meant I just wouldn’t treat him…

But alas, I’d forgive him, no grudges I’d garner

For Nick played so well the role of the martyr,

With those sad, mournful eyes which could pierce any heart,

He never missed dinner; it was served a la carte…

Yes…

I wonder, at times, who we would have seen

Had Niki been born as a real human being,

With his love of all music, he’d be Sting or Joe Cocker

And his passion for eating? The new Betty Crocker!

***Please note: installment 4 coming Feb. 5

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One thought on “TRICKY NIKI POOPIE BUTT #3

  1. Pingback: TRICKY NIKI POOPIE BUTT #4 | bloggingfrog

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